Charlie Sheen, Cobras and Winning

Sometimes life sucks. How much it sucks and how often it sucks depends on where you fall on the human misery scale. The people at the highest end of this scale live in soul-crushing poverty in war torn nations. Close your eyes and point at a map of Africa and you’re likely to find one of these countries.

The people at the lowest end of this scale are the rich, famous and powerful. Close your eyes and point to a copy of US Weekly (or the Wall Street Journal for those of you too good to glance at checkout tabloids) and you’re likely to find one of the blessed. But sometimes even the very fortunate have to deal with defeats and setbacks. Just ask Charlie Sheen.

The actor who turned his vices and his dispute with the producers of “Two and a Half Men” into a treasure trove of unintentionally comedic interviews and catch phrases was recently reminded that even wealthy actors surrounded by goddesses sometimes have a bad day. The debut of his traveling one-man show apparently did not go very well. According to reports, midway through Saturday night’s performance at the Fox Theater in Detroit the sold-out audience turned on Sheen like Marlo Stanfield turned on Prop Joe. The man that turned “winning” into a national slogan for, well, winning, was booed mercilessly and some in the crowd even demanded a refund.

With 19 more dates left on the “The Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour, Ricky Vaughn better start thinking about providing his audience with some actual entertainment. Perhaps he can fly in Kristy Swanson, have her sit next to him and they can reenact each and every scene from “The Chase.” While I haven’t spoken to her agent, I’m quite sure she’s available.

However, a highly anticipated Sheen-Swanson reunion might not be enough. If he really wants to entertain his fans I suggest touring with the Bronx Zoo Cobra. Like Sheen, the escaped reptile was a nothing story that instantly became the darling of any and all media. So it’s only natural to assume the public would want to see these two ubiquitous personalities on the same stage. And if the audience were to tire of Charlie’s rants and the cobra’s incessant hissing, Sheen could always go for the ultimate showstopper: letting the snake bite him.

Sure, cobras are highly venomous, but I think it’s safe to say that this particular thespian has probably had worse things coursing through his veins. Plus, surviving a snakebite on stage would bring the crowd to its feet and prove once and for all that nothing can bring down a man who has tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA.

This stunt — particularly if performed over and over again — would garner an unprecedented amount of attention from the inept American news media and create a frenzy in the twttersphere. Clips of the performance would inevitably go viral and the Warlock’s legend would continue to grow. Eventually he and the snake could spin their popularity into a new sitcom (produced by Chuck Lorre, of course) or at the very least a buddy cop movie.

Problem solved. You’re welcome, Mr. Sheen.

And now that this spoiled jackass’s problems are a thing of the past, perhaps we can all turn our attention to more pressing matters, like our crumbling infrastructure, unemployment, climate change, energy dependence, skyrocketing health care costs, wars in the Middle East (and Libya!), and nuclear contamination in Japan. Not addressing these issues could be devastating for our future.

Or we can just wait for the next celebrity meltdown or interesting zoological adventure to pull our attention away from the things that truly matter.

What’s that? A pretty young blonde girl has disappeared again? Nevermind.


About Dave

My name’s Dave and I’m very fond of running. However, there are also days when getting up early, squeezing myself into a pair of compression tights, and running out into the cold, wet morning is about as much fun as a six-hour road trip with Ann Coulter. Yet I do it anyway. Though I’m not always sure why. When I'm not logging miles or spending time with my wife and son, I'm outlining a plan that would allow me retire early and travel more. I also like beer. View all posts by Dave

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