Monthly Archives: January 2009

The Presidency

You know what I’ve been thinking about lately?  The Presidency.


I swear I'll do better than the last guy.

This past Tuesday, the citizens of America and the world turned their collective eyes to Washington D.C. to witness the most ballyhooed inauguration in generations as Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President of the United Sates.  Part of the buzz was undoubtedly due to great historical significance of an African-American man taking the oath to become the Commander-in-Chief.  The other part was clearly because of the “ding-dong the witch is dead” vibe most of the country (and the world) felt knowing it was Bush and Cheney’s last day on the job.

Now that the inauguration is over, President Obama finds himself with a lot of work to do.  America is in worse shape than the average contestant on “The Biggest Loser” and now the self-proclaimed skinny guy with the funny name must do everything in his power to whip us back into shape.

But how can he possibly do that?  I mean how does a mortal man get to solving these monumental problems when he just moved into a giant, new home and has unfettered access to everything and anything he could ever want?

It’s easy to see why Dubya got so distracted.  Each perk must’ve seemed like a shiny object he couldn’t take his eyes off of.

I, for one, wouldn’t be able to concentrate on renewable energy or the wars in the Middle East, not when I could spend time introducing myself to the fringe benefits that come with holding the highest office in the land.

I’d inevitably spend the entire first day of my presidency on Air Force One asking the crew annoying questions.

“Can I get every live sporting event in the world on these TVs?”

“Yes, Mr. President.”

“In HD?”

“Yes, Mr. President.”

“And an order of deluxe nachos with extra sour cream?”

I’d spend at least two weeks grilling the Secret Service Agents about everything they learned at Secret Service school and then spend the rest of the year trying to get them to laugh.  They may be the best of the best, but something tells me a good, long fart would do the trick.  It’s lowbrow, but it always seems to get the job done.


President Dave?

And while tax-paying Americans waited with bated breath for me to deal with our fledgling economy and the healthcare crisis, I’d be hard at work redecorating the White House.  I think I’d turn Nixon’s bowling alley into the world’s most lavish man cave and the Map Room into an old-time western saloon.  Future Presidents would no doubt thank me for these modifications while they drank Sarsaparilla with their senior staffs.

It’s easy to see why the Presidency of the United States is such an important job that can’t be entrusted to just anyone.  The individual holding the office must be intelligent, mature, focused and willing to put personal desires aside no matter how much he (or she) wants to take the Presidential limo through a Wendy’s drive-thru.

Barack Obama seems to fit the bill.  I clearly do not.  I can think of someone else who clearly did not.  But I suppose there’s no reason to beat that dead horse.  After all…

Ding-dong the witch is dead.


The NFL Playoffs

You know what I’ve been thinking about lately?  The NFL Playoffs.

Sundays are supposed to be peaceful, restful times where hard-working folks take respite from their otherwise frantic week.  It doesn’t always work out that way.  This past Sunday was a particularly rough one for me.  After watching my beloved defending champion New York Giants excel during the regular season, they sucker-punched me in the stomach.  The G-Men followed up their monumental upset of the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl last February and their 12-4 regular season (good for the #1 seed in the NFC) with a home loss to their division rivals, the Philadelphia Eagles.


What happened?

On the bright side, my two year-old son was thoroughly entertained as he watched his father yell at the television like a lunatic.  He even joined in from time to time unaware of the pain the men in the blue uniforms were causing Daddy.

One of the noteworthy things about the game, besides Eli Manning throwing the ball to guys with green helmets, was the fact that the Eagles were the sixth seed in the NFC and left for dead about a month ago.  And yet, here they were… winning… convincingly.

Carolina fans know what I’m talking about.  Their second seeded Panthers got spanked at home (where they were 8-0 during the regular season) by the Arizona Cardinals – a team considered D.O.A at the start of the playoffs.  Did I mention the sixth seeded Baltimore Ravens slipped past the top seeded Tennessee Titans and are playing in the AFC Championship game?

So what the hell is going on?  Why are the NFL Playoffs suddenly turning into March Madness?

I’m no hockey connoisseur, but when I experimented with the NHL in the mid-90s I noticed something peculiar about their post-season; an alarming amount of highly seeded teams made early round exits.  What I learned was that a hockey team was only good as their goalie.  And if a netminder has it going on in late spring, his team can hop on his back and ride him all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals.

Now it appears every major sport is following that trend and turning their respective playoffs into an absolute crapshoot.  In addition to the NFL – who’s had a five seed and a six seed win two of the last three Super Bowls – wild card teams have wreaked havoc on the MLB Playoffs.

This past Fall Classic saw the two dominate teams in the regular season (L.A. Angels & Chicago Cubs), unceremoniously bounced from the playoffs in the first round.  Wild Card teams also managed to win three World Series in a row from 2002-2004.  If something doesn’t change soon, regular seasons will become as meaningless as a marriage proposal on The Bachelor.

There is one island in this storm of parity… the NBA.  In David Stern’s league, the top-seeded teams still take care of business.  Every once in a while there’s a shocker (like Golden State beating #1 seed Dallas a couple years ago) but for the most part the dominant teams during the regular season are the ones winning conference crowns and playing in the Finals.  Unfortunately the NBA playoffs take somewhere around a year and half to complete so by the time the Finals roll around, the casual fan is begging for a quick, merciful end.

Perhaps I shouldn’t complain too loudly about this era of parity.  After all, it allowed my Giants to hoist the Lombardi Trophy a year ago.  And I suppose sports fans should get used to it because there’s no sign this trend will be going away anytime soon.  But if the Detroit Lions make a Super Bowl run in my lifetime my head might explode.  I just hope my son isn’t there to laugh at me when it inevitably happens.